Sacrament Meeting

To be honest, I've wondered a lot whether or not the Church was the healthiest place for me. I really don't like how they seem to view everything as black and white, like there is no gray area. I have so many gay friends who I've seen real love in. Some are married, some aren't. But I can still see that they genuinely love each other, and I wish the Church could see that. I actually came out to the Sunday School teacher in my ward today. When I was gone for eight months and came back two weeks ago, she was the only person that said hello to me (besides the Bishop, but he kinda has to say hello lol.)

She is not like most Mormons you meet, and she made some really awesome comments at the close of the lesson. The lesson had something to do with temples, I'm not quite sure what lol. She started talking about temple recommends, and to not feel bad or beat yourself up if you don't have one. This really hit me hard, because most Mormons don't think about others who may not be fortunate enough to have a recommend. I think a lot of them just assume that since you attend Church every Sunday, then you must have one. She talked about how we were lucky to live in the valley where there were so many temples and she was even guilty herself for not going as often as she felt she should have. I think so many times so many Mormons focus on perfection, and they look down on others who don't have a temple recommend (even a limited use one) and feel that they aren't faithful, or are sinning or something. I told her that her lesson was great and then I started tearing up and crying, telling her that I was a gay Mormon trying to stay faithful, and didn't have a recommend.

I talked a bit about Prop 8 and how it made me feel as an active member of the Church, yet a gay one. I expressed my thanks to her that she acknowledged in her lesson those of us who may not be fortunate enough to carry a temple recommend, sometimes through no fault of our own. I told her she made me cry because she seemed to understand and have a heart for those that aren't fortunate enough to have a recommend, and again expressed my sadness and frustrations with proposition 8, then thanked her for understanding my plight, and I went to sacrament meeting. People like her seem to definitely not be the norm here in Utah, so it was nice to actually see someone who was living their faith like that. She didn't look at me any differently, and she even sat one row up from me in Sacrament meeting, which was cool. I think it's important for gay Mormons to be out in their wards if they can, so the Church and the Church members don't just keep plugging ahead with their blinders on and pretending like we aren't there or we don't exist. So many Church members have that mentality that if they can't see it, it isn't happening. Oh well. Thanks for reading.

A Date

Well, I just got off a date with someone, and I don't have the best feelings about it. We watched "Memoirs of a Geisha" here at Mark's house. And I don't think that was the best movie choice. Too heavy. I'm not even sure I would call this one a date. It was more of a hang out thing. I'm still trying to process what happened. I'm not sure I can write more right now. I can't concentrate. Will write more soon I hope.

Update

Hi Everyone! It's been a while since I've posted. I finished school! I'm so excited! I can't believe that now all I have to do is finish my externship. I am excited and nervous about that. I don't feel ready lol. In other areas of my life, things have been good as well. I reconnected with a friend yesterday that I hadn't seen in three years. It was good to see him. I am also preparing to take my national certification in the next few weeks. Still getting along really well with the same guy I was dating as the last time I posted. Well, I don't know about dating, as we haven't made anything offical yet, but I sure would like to. I would easily say he is the kindest, sweetest boy I have ever met. For only being 19 he is very mature as well. I felt bad for him yesterday. He was going to go on a date and got stood up by the guy. Someone as sweet as ______ should not have to go through that. Honestly it pissed me off and I felt sorry for him. I am trying to be as patient with him as I can while he goes out and explores what is out there in the world. It's hard for me, but I think it is the right thing for me to do. I am just glad we are both growing closer to each other and building up that trust that is so necessary for a relationship to flourish. I really like him and have told him so. He's everything a guy could ever want, and then some lol. He's a way good kisser too! Well, I don't have much else to report. I haven't done a lot today as it is Sunday. Mostly I've slept and I'm bored out of my mind, which is why I decided to post. Thanks for reading!

Life Lessons

I learned a very valuable lesson this afternoon. Someone I really like decided to give me a second shot, and I am very thankful for that. I suppose this would be a continuation of the post that I wrote this morning. (For some reason I keep running into continuations of posts!) This person was basically on the verge of giving up on me because I had harassed him so much and we had an unresolved argument, and after a couple hours on the phone, and a few texts, things seem to have smoothed over. THE IMPORTANT THING FOR ME TO REMEMBER IS THAT I LOST THIS PERSONS TRUST, and I did that by trying to control everything. This persons life does not revolve around me, as much as I like hanging out with them, but they have a life of their own. Remember Kyle, that the next time you want to fly off the handle at someone, STOP AND THINK ABOUT THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES BEFORE YOU DO IT. I feel sort of in a sense like I'm rebuilding a brick wall that has been torn down one brick at a time. No more obsessive phone calls or text messages Kyle! YOU ALMOST LOST THIS PERSON BECAUSE OF BEHAVIOR LIKE THAT. AGAIN, STOP AND THINK ABOUT THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES BEFORE YOU SAY OR DO SOMETHING. THINK OF HOW THE OTHER PERSON WOULD FEEL AFTER YOU SAID IT TO THEM. Okay, I'm done preaching lol.

Controlling Behavior

I've had to learn some hard lessons over the past two days. Things that I should have learned a long time ago, but for some reason or another have failed to learn. I guess you could call this entry a continuation of my entry from yesterday, since it deals with the same subject. I had a long heart to heart with a good friend of mine last night. We were up until 2 A.M. talking. He made me realize some things that I've known are bad for me to do, it's just that I get caught in the cycle and can't figure out how to stop doing them, or I don't realize that I'm doing them altogether. It's something that has been repeating over and over since my first crush in high school. And I've finally figured it out that it's not with every guy. It's just the ones that I know I really like that I do it with, and that is the need to control everything. Let me explain. When I had my first crush in high school, I didn't know what to do about my feelings. I didn't dare to tell him because I didn't know how he would react. Eventually I had to tell him as we were going on a band trip to Washington D.C. and were probably going to end up sleeping in the same bed together. So one day I told him how much I liked him after band practice, and it blew up in my face. I didn't understand his reaction to my feelings. I don't think at the time that I understood my feelings towards him. All I knew was that I really liked him, but I had no power (or at least I thought I had no power) to control my feelings towards him, and ultimately I couldn't get him to like me. So I guess somewhere along the line if I decided that he didn't like me, I was going to do everything I could to control the situation, and in the end this not only cost me my first close friendship with another guy, it has also cost me numerous friendships since then. And I've noticed it's a repeating pattern with each guy I like that I meet. The pattern kind of goes like this: I meet a guy that I really like, and that I really feel a connection with. Then, because of that strong connection, I start thinking about this person a lot. And I mean A LOT. It's definitely unhealthy. Usually what happens at this point is that my head gets going, and it's usually these thoughts of, "Does he like me? Am I saying the right things? What if I say the wrong things? What if he likes someone more than he likes me? What if this doesn't work out?" I mean, the questions seem to go on forever and ever in my head, and they stay there, until I have myself so worked up, that I've taken a small situation, and blown it completely out of proportion in my head. And then what usually happens is I will go to the person that I like and ask them these questions, and instead of building our friendship up, it tears it down, because underneath the need to control everything, there are several factors at work. The first one I can think of is distrust. The second, insecurity. The third and final one is jealousy. All relationships, I don't care if they are friendships, relationships with family members, relationships with significant others, or relationships with coworkers, are based on one small but important thing that will make the relationship either flourish, or fail. That thing is called TRUST. After my conversation with my friend last night, I realized that is where I am messing up, that these people I really like, I don't trust them. And because I don't rust them, that's where the thoughts come from, and the jealousy, and eventually, the demise of the relationship happens. It is because I don't trust people that I feel the need to control them, and I realized last night that that really is not the foundation of a relationship. Control is not the foundation of a relationship. Having to be in control all the time of a situation or person, shows that you are insecure yourself, and ultimately not giving that person the benefit of the doubt. You tend to pounce all over them for the smallest things, and honestly that is the fastest way to drive someone away. If they get to a point where they feel like they can't breathe, then they are going to end their friendship with you. NO ONE LIKES TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO! This was a real wake up call for me, as there is a person in my life right now that I know I've been doing this to. It took my friend to make me realize it, but it is happening, and it is something I am truly sorry for. I have to stop and think about what comes out of my mouth towards this person before anything is actually said. Is this thought, these words, going to move the relationship in a healthy direction, or an unhealthy one? Am I giving this person the benefit of the doubt? Maybe they really did get in a car accident! Maybe they really were stuck in traffic! None of these thoughts really crossed my mind until last night, and I pray to God that it isn't too late for this person to forgive me and for me to realize that I've messed up and hurt them. But I've also hurt myself in the process. The bottom line, and the thing that I've realized after last night, is that these feelings I get of needing to control someone result from one thing, and one thing only. I don't trust the other person. PERIOD. THE END. It's just that simple. If I trusted the other person, I would be okay with the fact that they got stuck in traffic, I would be okay if I got a text message back from them saying "Hey I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now, can I call you later?" I would be okay with the fact that they didn't call me everyday!!!!!! People have to have lives of their own, and I need to realize that their entire life, does not revolve around me! That is so unhealthy to think that way, and the fastest way to damage a relationship, is to try and control everything, and not trust the other person! So, to this person I have been struggling to develop a friendship with, I am truly sorry for the way that I have treated you. You deserve to be trusted because you are a good guy, and so far you haven't given me a reason not to trust you. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt, but I didn't. To this person, I am asking for you to forgive me. I've messed up, and I've messed up bad. I hope that you can find it in your heart to do so, and I hope that we can continue down the path that we were on when this started. You are an amazing person inside and out, and you don't deserve the hell that I've put you through. I hope to talk to you in the next few days, but I just wanted to get this off my chest. That's all I really have to say at this moment, but I hope to be able to actually tell you this in person soon. Enjoy your time with your mom and her friend. Enjoy your weekend. And when the time is right, hopefully we can talk. At least, I know that's what I want. I really like you, and again I am very sorry for the things that have been going on the last few days. The end.

Thoughts...

I'm sitting in my room right now. It's raining outside, and I'm not too sure what to do with myself. I feel very alone. I hate fighting, and that's exactly what's happened today. I tried to not think about it by getting out of the house and going for a walk, but I got as far as the main road and then turned around. *David and I were supposed to go on a date tonight. I think he forgot about it being this weekend (today) instead of next weekend. So I called him up this afternoon to see if he was still interested in going, and I said something like "Hey David, this is Kyle. I was wondering if you were still planning on going on a date with me tonight. If you aren't that's okay and I'll just assume you aren't interested anymore and this will be the last time you ever hear from me." We hadn't talked to each other in about two days. He called me back right away (I had left a voice mail) and he said that he thought the concert was next weekend instead of this weekend, and said he was sorry and felt really bad. I don't know. The whole conversations that we had seem to be a blur in my head. I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk that I am in. I HATE FIGHTING. I'm not gonna lie, I've slept a good chunk of the day away, but no one is here right now. I hate being alone, and I feel very alone right now. I ended up apologizing to David and asked him if we could talk on the phone tonight. He said that would be fine. Only now I'm not sure I want to call him. I'm scared to honestly. I'm not sure what I want. I know I like David, a lot, but I also know that he has a lot of money, and that intimidates me. Sometimes I feel like if I don't say the right thing, or wear the right clothes, that he's not going to like me. He just doesn't seem like the kind of person to be an asshole about it though. When we went on our date a week ago, it was amazing. Honestly it was one of the best dates I have ever been on. I kind of want to get him something to show him I'm sorry, although I have no idea what. It makes me wonder how our next date is going to go. I feel like things started off so well, and then everything just crumbled. And I'll be honest, I want to do something with him. I don't care if it's going for a walk in the park, looking at the stars, I don't care what it is. But I think he will be busy this whole weekend and won't have time. I can't believe that things were going so well last weekend, and this weekend it's totally different. I hate it so much. Anyways, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I feel a little bit like crying. Who knows, maybe that will help. In any case, I'm going to stop writing now. I don't know that it's helping anyways.

Let's Try This Again!

Hey Everyone!
I haven't written a blog post in SO long I have no idea where to begin. Looking over my posts from three years ago, I have grown so much as a person! I was actually reading over one of my old posts, and it made me cry. I have grown and changed so much...and I am so grateful for it. So, time for a bit of an update. Yes, I'm still gay. Yes, I'm still living in SLC. But no, I don't go to Church anymore, and that is by my own choice. Because of all that has happened to me over the past few years, I have decided that I can no longer associate with a Church/religion that has so much hate in their hearts towards people who love their own gender. I didn't leave the Church with feelings of bitterness or anger, although it took me a long while to get there. There was a time in my life when I was extremely angry at the Church, but now I can say that I can leave it behind me and be happy with my decision, and not be angry at the Church. I'm glad. Again, so many changes have happened over the last few years. I am now in school to be a Pharmacy Tech. I'm working through my last quarter of school before I start my externship. I am both excited and nervous. I wish I knew more drugs by heart than I do, but from everyone I have talked to, they say it will come with time.
As far as my love life goes, I finally know what I want! That is a huge step for me. I look back on previous blog posts, and realize how unhealthy some of my relationships were, but I was only 20 at the time and still hadn't figured myself out. Now I have a room mate, I'm finishing school, I've been to Seattle which is a place I've wanted to live for the longest time, and I've found out what healthy relationships are like. I realize in the past that I have settled so much for what I thought was love, because that is what other people told me what love was. They didn't love me. Maybe one of them did, but the other? No way. My relationship with my Dad hasn't improved a lot. My relationship with my step mom has though, as it has also with my mother. My step dad and I just don't talk about the gay issue really, because again he has no concept of what it means to be gay, and frankly I don't think he cares or even wants to understand. Sad if you ask me. My brother moved back to Vermont, oh I would say about a year ago. Supposedly he is going to college and trying to get his crap in order. We'll see. I have my doubts, but he is my brother and so there is a tiny part of me that has hope for him.
I feel kind of akward. I came out at 15 and I'm 25 now, so it's kind of hard for me to relate to people that are my age or that are just coming out. It makes it hard for me in social situations, because I've been through the clubbing, hooking up, trying to figure out what I wanted, etc. etc. and most of my friends that are my age are just going through that now. It makes it hard for me to relate to that because it has been so long since I've dealt with any of that. My family for the most part has either gotten to a place of acceptance about it, or just plain ignores it. I feel always like I am searching for something completely different from everyone else. Most people I know that are my age seem to want just one thing, or are just coming out, and I guess that's something I just don't get anymore. I am so glad I don't have to fight those demons, because I remember what hell it was. I know what I want in a relationship, and I'm not going to settle anymore. Will I find it? Eventually. Does it feel like it's taking forever and I keep running in to the wrong people, that just don't move at the same speed as me or aren't in the same place as me? Yes! And that's the most frustrating thing. I feel at times that I am in a completely different place than my peers. I want to settle down. I want someone I can come home to at the end of the day, and just cuddle with or watch TV, or talk about the rough day I had at work. But it seems like most people I run into are either A.) Not in that same place or B.) Don't want to settle down. It is frustrating as hell. Oh well. I did have a good day today and I am so thankful for the many friends in my life, who I know without I would not be here today. The only thing is I sure wish I could meet someone who is on the same page as me and who I am attracted to. I'm going to stop blogging now. I feel like I've gotten everything off my chest. Happy reading!

Kyle

Church! Ack!

So I just got back from Church and boy do I need to write. Singles wards are something else! I had a great time at church today, the lessons, meetings and stuff were all great, and then everyone went over to one of the bishoprics house to have waffles after Church. I started feeling really uncomfortable around all these boys trying to mix with all these girls...I just felt really out of place and akward. After the waffles when I was getting a ride home from someone he unbuckled his seat belt when we got to the condo and acted like he was going to come up. Anyways, just the whole thing freaked me out, and now I feel really uncomfortable around some of the guys in my ward. I'm trying my best to deal with the gay issue, but it also causes problems when trying to make friends with boys. I can't really relate right now to "getting a girl to the temple as fast as I can" so to speak. IT SCARES ME. I'm afraid that eventually some of the boys in the ward are going to find out about my gayness, or SSA as the Church likes to call it, and then they won't want to be friends with me anymore. The guys I've met are really nice and all, and I'm afraid of putting a budding friendship in danger because they might find out about my gayness. Anyways, just had to get this off my chest really quick, its kinda hard for me to breathe. Feel free to leave comments! Thanks. Kyle

Freemasonry

Hi Everyone! Its been forever since I posted, but since its Friday night and I have nothing better to do, I thought I would post. Over the last year or so, I have become interested in Freemasonry. I'm excited to announce that I will be getting my EA degree sometime in March. I first became interested in it when a friend told me he was a Mason. Later, I did some research, with the help of Wikipedia, lots of books, and lots of talking to fellow masons. I went to a few barbeques and Installation meetings, which aren't usually public, but I basically went to any and every Masonic function I could. I have been interested in Freemasonry for about a year and if there is one thing I've learned, its that Freemasonry takes PATIENCE. Its not something you learn about over night, and its not something where you make a decision in a couple of days. I sat on becoming a Freemason for 6+ months before I finally decided to do it. Then comes the petiton process, being investigated, and finally finding out if the lodge you petitioned will have you as a member. The whole process from petitioning to joining can take upwards of two months or more. Its not something for the faint of heart! Anyways, I'm excited about the new experiences that are coming, and the new friends I am going to make. I'll post more as it gets closer to the date of my degree, or as I think of more. Hope all is well.

Hey Everyone...Some Recent Thoughts

Wow! I can't believe its been ten days since I last posted...or longer. I haven't been working a lot lately. The phones will be dying down until January so I've been sent home a lot. It sucks because then I don't get paid, and I need the money. December is not a good time to be without it. I ordered some of the gayest clothes from a catalog today. I can't wait till they get here! I wonder if its possible to be straight and still wear nice clothes? Anyways I have more to talk about. Since I don't want to use anyones name in my blogs, I will just call the person I'm about to speak of "Dobby" (by the way, I love Harry Potter) . So I feel like I need to repent, as Dobby and I have had sex twice now and I promised it wouldn't happen again. I wish I could get in a place where I feel comfortable with the Church. I go through these phases where all I can think about or do is Church related, and then I don't have anything to do with the Church for a few months. And then I go back to it. It feels like a vicious cycle. But its like because I've been without the Church for so long for those few months, that I can't get enough to fill my soul. Dobby and I are going to have conversations after the holidays about where we are going and what the heck I am going to do. I have to admit its nice not to sleep alone, but Dobby cannot just cuddle. It seems he must have sex a lot, especially with younger guys. I also have to say that I'm afraid to move out. I've become comfortable where I am, and I don't trust myself enough to live on my own. What I mean by that is that I don't think I will be able to handle taking myself to counseling appointments, paying my bills, and staying on top of the medication that makes me able to live my life for now. So, if anyone wants or needs a roomate, I'm looking for one, preferably with LDS standards. I can't wait till Christmas. I've asked for a digital camera this year, and if thats the only thing my family gets me, I will be totally happy. Well, I need to go to bed. Its 12:17 am here and I'm sleepy and have to work tomorrow. Oh, and what am I listening to right now? The Mormon Tabernacle Choir and their version of "Faith in Every Footstep" which is one of my favorite hymns. Also I just wanted to add that I am having a hard time even going to Church now because I don't think that my bishop will even give me a limited use recommend as long as I am living where I am. I've met with him enough that I've kind of got that feeling. No matter how consistently I pay my tithing, go to Church, etc. I will not get a temple recommend until I move out and find a new bishop. Oh well, not to worried about it now. I just wanted to get some things off my chest. My life is going well otherwise. Happy reading y'all. ~Kyle

So Many Questions

Hi Again Everyone or Whoever Reads This Blog,
So I went to Church today. The youth in my ward sang a special number called "Sisters in Zion/ We'll Bring the World His Truth." Every good Mormon should know it right? Anyways, Church was good. In Sunday School we talked about all the things we had to be thankful for rather than the last lesson in the Gospel Principles book, "Exaltation". So many different things came to my head, that I have to be thankful for. So anyways, the main reason I'm blogging tonight is because of my meeting with the bishop after Church. This had been something I had been looking forward to for about two weeks, since the last two times I was asked to meet with the Bishop I couldn't due to work. I thought it was going to be something good for me, since I've done everything that has been asked of me since confessing to the Bishop. So, I go in there after Church and he asks me the usual things, "How am I doing? How is work?" etc. Then, he basically drops a bomb in my lap, and says that someone in the ward has a room they would like to have rented out. Its 450 per month, yay. Not the answer I was expecting. So expectations shot down. I atleast expected a calling or something along the lines of that I was going to be able to say the Sacrament prayers again. No such luck for me. (I'm trying to be patient Lord!) I'm a bit frustrated and trying not to be too angry about what happened. I just expected more is all. My only question right now is, "Where are all those people that are moving forward as good, upstanding members of the Church..." even though they struggle with SSA. I feel right now like the Church is sending double messages to people with this problem. On one hand, they are saying that we are allowed to move forward and have activity in the Church, have callings, attend the temple, etc. but on the other hand, its like they are scared or something. I know that I am keeping myself worthy to enter the temple again and make the covenants I need to make. I attend my Church meetings, I pay a full tithe, I'm honest with my fellow man. I am no longer involved in anything that would keep me out of the temple, I take the sacrament worthily. At the same time its like the lower levels of the leadership do not believe what I am saying and will not allow me that chance. This frustrates me. This is double messages!!! I'm trying to be patient with the Lord and am trying to realize that waiting however long I have to wait will not be that long compared to the eternities. I love the Lord so much and I have a testimony of the Church, and of the Prophet Joseph Smith. My only question is, am I doomed to always be alone? Will I be allowed inside the temple anytime in the near future. So far my bishop has not given me any time line as to when I will be able to. He knows that my niece who is turning eight in January is wanting me to baptize her. Well, obviously I can't do that if I don't have either a Temple Recommend or a Recommend to Perform an Ordinance. I feel like every time I walk into the bishops office, he just sort of glazes over the subject and doesn't really want to talk about it. According to the scriptures we are supposed to go to him when we have problems that we need help with. What happened to the scripture that talks about bearing one anothers burdens? Standing with those that are in need of comfort, that sort of thing? Is that just something thats supposed to sound good? Or did Joseph Smith actually receive that scripture because thats what Heavenly Father's children are supposed to do to help thier fellow man. I suppose I will just have to keep exercising faith, even though its freakin hard!

Sad

Hi Everyone,
My heart is filled with sadness tonight. I found out yesterday that my best friend, whom I've known since I was six, is getting a divorce from her husband. She's a great girl. I can't imagine anyone treating her the way she has been treated. She lives in Provo at the moment. Have you ever loved someone so much that you hurt for them sometimes? Well, thats the way I feel about her. I would do anything for her, and she would do anything for me I'm sure. Sometimes I wonder why God allows us pain and suffering, but I guess its to make us grow. We graduated from High School together. We spent every waking moment of that last summer before she went to UVSC together, day and night. I'll be forever grateful to her for introducing me to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We've been through so much together, yelled at each other, made up, and then yelled again. She's not talking to me at the moment but I think she will when she is ready. I'm sure she needs time to process through her feelings. I've never had the chance to experience a temple marriage yet, but I know if I keep working someday I will. I wish so much that I could show her how much I care about her. There have been times in the past when our relationship has been a bit strained, but I think thats mostly because her then husband was in the picture. She gave up going on a mission, which she was so excited to do, to get married. I remember her telling me that it was more important for a girl to get married than it was for her to go on a mission and it was more important for a boy to go on a mission than get married right away. I want her to know that I love her, and I'm frustrated I guess with myself in the fact that I know I am reaching for something that I cannot have. She knows all about my struggles, and tons of other stuff about me, but I know that I would not be a suitable Eternal Companion for her. I think the main reason is my struggle with SSA and I think the other reason is because I haven't received my endowment yet. That kills me. I cry sometimes I love her so much. Anyways, I've blogged enough for tonite. I need to go. Be good y'all. ~Kyle

Hi Guys,
Well this is my first attempt at a blog so I don't know how it will be. I think I'm just gonna keep this as a record of things that happen in my everyday life. To start with, I'm 22 years old and live in Salt Lake City. Yes, I am a Mormon. I moved here about four years ago to get to know my dad better, which at times hasn't been the best. I'm originally from Vermont and my parents are divorced. They have been since I was little so I remember almost nothing about it. All I know is that they hate eachother. Anywho, I have a brother who is 27 and a step brother and sister that I never see, not to mention the fact that I don't even get along with them. I grew up mostly with my Mom and stepdad, who I hated with a passion and still do. To make a long story short, I grew up watching my mom get beat up all the time by my step dad. My dad and mom constantly fought over custody of me and my brother so I guess you could say I didn't get that much of a normal childhood. The divorce was all over the news, in the newspapers, just about everywhere I turned. I guess that remains why my parents hate eachother so much even now. They still haven't gotten over the divorce and if you talk to them, its like they still live in 1986. Anyways, about when I was six my mom won total custody of me and my brother and we moved to Vermont with her, where she lives now with my step dad. We remained there for a while and during that time, my brother ran away from home and got involved in drugs, which he is slowly recovering from. I was raised as basically an only child after that, and when I was 13 moved to Florida, not my choice. It was about this time that I realized I was gay. Boy did this ever cause some rifts with my stepdad and mom, and my mom threatened to kick me out of the house several times. I remember growing up how my stepdad used to call gay people all kinds of names. He still doesn't understand to this day, even though my mom is coming around, alas, I have not talked to her for about two months now. Thats for another time.
I got my first crush on a boy in marching band. His name was Josh Garner Where are you btw... and I thought at the time he was the hottest thing alive. Anyways, while I was living in Florida I changed high schools 5 times and ended up spending six months of my senior year in Vermont and the other six months of it in Utah. Yay for moving. When I moved out here at 18 to get to know my dad after such a long time of not knowing him it was hard. He tried to show me his love and affection by buying me anything I wanted. Eventually I felt like I was suffocating and I had no choice but to move back to Vermont with my mom. On the way of me trying to get back, my dad showed up at the airport three separate times, begging me to stay. I told him he was crazy and had issues to overcome with me and my brother and our childhood, and told him on the third attempt that if he didn't leave me alone I was going to get security on him. It was the most traumatizing experience of my life. Getting on a plane alone, after you've been shaken up like that, in the middle of the night, and flying all the way across the country. Well let's just say it was an experience. I returned back home to Vermont, continued to struggle with my homosexual feelings, and came out to my mom several times. She threatened to kick me out of the house, because being raised a good pentecostal kid I was not supposed to be like that. Suprise Suprise. I told her about my first crush, and about all the other times I had thought about boys while living in Florida, and about how at that point I could not just be friends with them. I looked at them as potential dates all the time. I had to keep all this inside though because if my church found out about it, I would most definitely be going to hell. I remember in Florida crying and crying with the people I went to church with, but never receiving any relief from the feelings. It seemed like no one understood me, and the harder I struggled the worse it became. I tried to drown mysellf in marching band, school work, and the latest Britney album to take away the pain. Anyways, back to Vermont, I spent about a year there after leaving my dads, by the way, I just ran out on him, leaving the car, cell phone, clothes, college bills, etc for him to take care of, and called my best friend Jamie to take me to the airport right then as I told her I could not take living there anymore. She happily obliged and when I got out of the van at the airport, she hugged me goodbye and handed me a copy of the Book of Mormon and asked me to read it I went back to vermont and let the Book of Mormon collect dust on my shelf. Living back with my mom I was not supposed to touch or have anything to do with the Mormons, nor was I to read the BOM or anything related to the Mormon Church. Growing up as a pentecostal I had been fed plenty of anti-mormon propoganda, so I didn't touch it. Anyways, after living in Vermont for about six months, I got tired of working at a dead end job, so I moved back out to Utah to be with my dad, only this time I had decided and told him ahead of time that everything was going to be on my terms. I made that very clear before moving. The day after I got there, I came out to him. He was of course extremely shocked, telling me it was disgusting and that he didn't want to see it around his house, I was going to catch AIDS etc. He had caught me two times before however looking at gay porn on his computer, one of the times making me delete all the gay porn in front of him until it was all off his hard drive. Talk about humiliation. I went on my first gay date with a guy named Davin. At the time he was 26 and I was 20. As my dad was gone that week he's military and had gone somewhere I invited Davin in the house to meet my step mom before the date. She acted kind of ackward about it, and then Davin and I left. Also during this time, which was right around my birthday, I landed in the hospital in the psych unit. Davin and I broke up shortly after that because when we were together it was like a time bomb waiting to explode. We were both unmedicated and when one of us was in a good mood, the other wasn't so it was kind of like playing on a see saw all the time. I cried for months after breaking up with Davin. I remember one time he was having a bad day, so I took time off from work to be with him and we drove to Park City. He had seemed odd during the trip up and when we got back to the valley, we drove to Fashion Place Mall and he sat me down and very matter of factly said that he had been in love before and it didn't feel like this. After only dating him for a month I figured he was leading me on, but it still hurt like hell. It was snowing really bad outside, but we got back in Davins car and we drove back up to Clintonn, where his house was at. We just sort of drove around for a while and then he asked me if I wanted something to eat. I said sure. We ordered some drive thru at Wendy's and went back to his place to eat it. We just sat and talked a while and I cried and he cried about everything that had happened that day, and I asked him to take me home as I didn't feel like being around him anymore. He did take me part of the way home. We took a turn into a development that was still being constructed and then he told me he didn't want me to get out of the car. I didn't. Then we started making out, and of course, atleast for me, everything was in slow motion. I told him that we needed to stop and he needed to take me home, and then he said he didn't want me to leave. Anyways this escalated into yet another argument and I told him that I would walk home if he didn't give me a ride home. We were still several miles away from my house. I opened the door and got out, started walking in the blinding snow and then he told me to get back in the car, that he would take me home. At this point I had already had enough crap, so I told him no. He begged me to get in the car, which I did, and then he dropped me off at my house and went home. Everytime after that if I called him or he me, it was like two strangers talking to eachother.Our relationship had already been taken to the stage of being beyond repair. Looking back I realize that our relationship was nothing more than a cleverly disguised friendship which at its heart needed co-dependency to survive. A string of other relationships followed, and each time they ended the same way. There was Davy, then another kid I met at Area 51 and dated for a while only saying that because I can't remember your name. Sorry. I ended up being used for my car, gas, and transportation. Not to mention, especially in the case of Davy, sex pretty much whenever he wanted. I would spend many nights at his house and we would both get high, drunk, or both, and then I would go to bed and he wouldn't come in until like 5 in the morning, sleep with me for an hour , and then I would get up and go to work. I thought for so long that this was what a relationship was supposed to be, so I went along with it. One time we were both high and he didn't want to run out to the car to grab a condom, so we just fucked bareback. Again, I thought thats what a relationship was supposed to be, so I went along with it. Eventually I got into the club scene, switched jobs several times, and went clubbing almost every night after work, and returned home late in the morning to my dads house. Sometimes I didn't even come home at all, and didn't feel like he needed to know where I was or what I was doing so I never called him for days at a time. I guess this was the beginning of me trying my independence and trying to break away from the control of my dad. Eventually I did but that will come later. I found an apartment in West Valley, which I quickly moved into with the help of my dad and step mom, but shortly after that I lost my apartment and landed in the hospital a second time because I went off my prescribed medication I was seeing a doctor also and while at work thought the world was ending. That was lovely. I don't remember much except for being handcuffed, thrown in the back of a car, and eventually going somewhere where they asked me a bunch of questions I couldn't answer because I was so out of it. Suffice it to say I was hospitalized again and it took longer for me to recover. I eventually had to move home with my dad because I was in no condition to take care of myself, let alone pay my bills. I moved out of his house after that, because my brother had moved out here shortly before I landed in the hospital the second time. We were driving out of the mall having a discussion about how he was treating his girlfriend, she was in the backseat and I basically told him I didn't like how he was treating her and that he needed to stop. He didn't like this answer and hit me right in my right eye. It only took one punch, but blood was on my face. His girlfriend screamed and I called my dad and step mom, who didn't believe me at all. I went to the cops and they didn't believe me either. That was all it took for me to move out of my house for good. I packed all my stuff that I owned in the back of my car, and headed to a domestic violence shelter. The first week didn't work too well for me, so I asked them if they could transfer me to somewhere in Salt Lake that treated both men and women. I stayed there for six weeks while I got my crap in order, and then moved into Sky Harbor Apartments into a studio. I fulfilled the terms of my lease there and moved in with a friend. During this time I also went to Las Vegas to a gay bathouse, and when I got there at midnight, met a guy. We had sex for seven hours, because we both decided to get high on Meth and poppers it was my first time and if anyone with a brain knows what most people use meth for, its to make you super horny during sex. I didn't sleep at all that night, if you could call it a night, or any of the next morning. In the car on the way back, I got high on poppers, and when we stopped to rest in Mesquite Nevada, I gambled for two hours and flushed 80 bucks down the toilet. I got back to Salt Lake and a week later did meth again with someone I had met online. We stayed up pretty much all night that night, I would get up suddenly and black out for about thirty seconds totally forgetting where I was or how I had gotten there. I didn't go home until late that night and called into work and ended up missing about three days of work because I hadn't come down from the meth yet and was afraid I would lose my job if I showed up high. A few months later I met a boy online, we got along well, and so I made arrangements to go down to St. George to see him. I atleast thought we had a great time the weekend I was down there, but I hardly hear from him now. I have tons more to write but I think that this is enough for now. Peace.