Controlling Behavior

I've had to learn some hard lessons over the past two days. Things that I should have learned a long time ago, but for some reason or another have failed to learn. I guess you could call this entry a continuation of my entry from yesterday, since it deals with the same subject. I had a long heart to heart with a good friend of mine last night. We were up until 2 A.M. talking. He made me realize some things that I've known are bad for me to do, it's just that I get caught in the cycle and can't figure out how to stop doing them, or I don't realize that I'm doing them altogether. It's something that has been repeating over and over since my first crush in high school. And I've finally figured it out that it's not with every guy. It's just the ones that I know I really like that I do it with, and that is the need to control everything. Let me explain. When I had my first crush in high school, I didn't know what to do about my feelings. I didn't dare to tell him because I didn't know how he would react. Eventually I had to tell him as we were going on a band trip to Washington D.C. and were probably going to end up sleeping in the same bed together. So one day I told him how much I liked him after band practice, and it blew up in my face. I didn't understand his reaction to my feelings. I don't think at the time that I understood my feelings towards him. All I knew was that I really liked him, but I had no power (or at least I thought I had no power) to control my feelings towards him, and ultimately I couldn't get him to like me. So I guess somewhere along the line if I decided that he didn't like me, I was going to do everything I could to control the situation, and in the end this not only cost me my first close friendship with another guy, it has also cost me numerous friendships since then. And I've noticed it's a repeating pattern with each guy I like that I meet. The pattern kind of goes like this: I meet a guy that I really like, and that I really feel a connection with. Then, because of that strong connection, I start thinking about this person a lot. And I mean A LOT. It's definitely unhealthy. Usually what happens at this point is that my head gets going, and it's usually these thoughts of, "Does he like me? Am I saying the right things? What if I say the wrong things? What if he likes someone more than he likes me? What if this doesn't work out?" I mean, the questions seem to go on forever and ever in my head, and they stay there, until I have myself so worked up, that I've taken a small situation, and blown it completely out of proportion in my head. And then what usually happens is I will go to the person that I like and ask them these questions, and instead of building our friendship up, it tears it down, because underneath the need to control everything, there are several factors at work. The first one I can think of is distrust. The second, insecurity. The third and final one is jealousy. All relationships, I don't care if they are friendships, relationships with family members, relationships with significant others, or relationships with coworkers, are based on one small but important thing that will make the relationship either flourish, or fail. That thing is called TRUST. After my conversation with my friend last night, I realized that is where I am messing up, that these people I really like, I don't trust them. And because I don't rust them, that's where the thoughts come from, and the jealousy, and eventually, the demise of the relationship happens. It is because I don't trust people that I feel the need to control them, and I realized last night that that really is not the foundation of a relationship. Control is not the foundation of a relationship. Having to be in control all the time of a situation or person, shows that you are insecure yourself, and ultimately not giving that person the benefit of the doubt. You tend to pounce all over them for the smallest things, and honestly that is the fastest way to drive someone away. If they get to a point where they feel like they can't breathe, then they are going to end their friendship with you. NO ONE LIKES TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO! This was a real wake up call for me, as there is a person in my life right now that I know I've been doing this to. It took my friend to make me realize it, but it is happening, and it is something I am truly sorry for. I have to stop and think about what comes out of my mouth towards this person before anything is actually said. Is this thought, these words, going to move the relationship in a healthy direction, or an unhealthy one? Am I giving this person the benefit of the doubt? Maybe they really did get in a car accident! Maybe they really were stuck in traffic! None of these thoughts really crossed my mind until last night, and I pray to God that it isn't too late for this person to forgive me and for me to realize that I've messed up and hurt them. But I've also hurt myself in the process. The bottom line, and the thing that I've realized after last night, is that these feelings I get of needing to control someone result from one thing, and one thing only. I don't trust the other person. PERIOD. THE END. It's just that simple. If I trusted the other person, I would be okay with the fact that they got stuck in traffic, I would be okay if I got a text message back from them saying "Hey I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now, can I call you later?" I would be okay with the fact that they didn't call me everyday!!!!!! People have to have lives of their own, and I need to realize that their entire life, does not revolve around me! That is so unhealthy to think that way, and the fastest way to damage a relationship, is to try and control everything, and not trust the other person! So, to this person I have been struggling to develop a friendship with, I am truly sorry for the way that I have treated you. You deserve to be trusted because you are a good guy, and so far you haven't given me a reason not to trust you. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt, but I didn't. To this person, I am asking for you to forgive me. I've messed up, and I've messed up bad. I hope that you can find it in your heart to do so, and I hope that we can continue down the path that we were on when this started. You are an amazing person inside and out, and you don't deserve the hell that I've put you through. I hope to talk to you in the next few days, but I just wanted to get this off my chest. That's all I really have to say at this moment, but I hope to be able to actually tell you this in person soon. Enjoy your time with your mom and her friend. Enjoy your weekend. And when the time is right, hopefully we can talk. At least, I know that's what I want. I really like you, and again I am very sorry for the things that have been going on the last few days. The end.