Update

Hi Everyone! It's been a while since I've posted. I finished school! I'm so excited! I can't believe that now all I have to do is finish my externship. I am excited and nervous about that. I don't feel ready lol. In other areas of my life, things have been good as well. I reconnected with a friend yesterday that I hadn't seen in three years. It was good to see him. I am also preparing to take my national certification in the next few weeks. Still getting along really well with the same guy I was dating as the last time I posted. Well, I don't know about dating, as we haven't made anything offical yet, but I sure would like to. I would easily say he is the kindest, sweetest boy I have ever met. For only being 19 he is very mature as well. I felt bad for him yesterday. He was going to go on a date and got stood up by the guy. Someone as sweet as ______ should not have to go through that. Honestly it pissed me off and I felt sorry for him. I am trying to be as patient with him as I can while he goes out and explores what is out there in the world. It's hard for me, but I think it is the right thing for me to do. I am just glad we are both growing closer to each other and building up that trust that is so necessary for a relationship to flourish. I really like him and have told him so. He's everything a guy could ever want, and then some lol. He's a way good kisser too! Well, I don't have much else to report. I haven't done a lot today as it is Sunday. Mostly I've slept and I'm bored out of my mind, which is why I decided to post. Thanks for reading!

Life Lessons

I learned a very valuable lesson this afternoon. Someone I really like decided to give me a second shot, and I am very thankful for that. I suppose this would be a continuation of the post that I wrote this morning. (For some reason I keep running into continuations of posts!) This person was basically on the verge of giving up on me because I had harassed him so much and we had an unresolved argument, and after a couple hours on the phone, and a few texts, things seem to have smoothed over. THE IMPORTANT THING FOR ME TO REMEMBER IS THAT I LOST THIS PERSONS TRUST, and I did that by trying to control everything. This persons life does not revolve around me, as much as I like hanging out with them, but they have a life of their own. Remember Kyle, that the next time you want to fly off the handle at someone, STOP AND THINK ABOUT THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES BEFORE YOU DO IT. I feel sort of in a sense like I'm rebuilding a brick wall that has been torn down one brick at a time. No more obsessive phone calls or text messages Kyle! YOU ALMOST LOST THIS PERSON BECAUSE OF BEHAVIOR LIKE THAT. AGAIN, STOP AND THINK ABOUT THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES BEFORE YOU SAY OR DO SOMETHING. THINK OF HOW THE OTHER PERSON WOULD FEEL AFTER YOU SAID IT TO THEM. Okay, I'm done preaching lol.

Controlling Behavior

I've had to learn some hard lessons over the past two days. Things that I should have learned a long time ago, but for some reason or another have failed to learn. I guess you could call this entry a continuation of my entry from yesterday, since it deals with the same subject. I had a long heart to heart with a good friend of mine last night. We were up until 2 A.M. talking. He made me realize some things that I've known are bad for me to do, it's just that I get caught in the cycle and can't figure out how to stop doing them, or I don't realize that I'm doing them altogether. It's something that has been repeating over and over since my first crush in high school. And I've finally figured it out that it's not with every guy. It's just the ones that I know I really like that I do it with, and that is the need to control everything. Let me explain. When I had my first crush in high school, I didn't know what to do about my feelings. I didn't dare to tell him because I didn't know how he would react. Eventually I had to tell him as we were going on a band trip to Washington D.C. and were probably going to end up sleeping in the same bed together. So one day I told him how much I liked him after band practice, and it blew up in my face. I didn't understand his reaction to my feelings. I don't think at the time that I understood my feelings towards him. All I knew was that I really liked him, but I had no power (or at least I thought I had no power) to control my feelings towards him, and ultimately I couldn't get him to like me. So I guess somewhere along the line if I decided that he didn't like me, I was going to do everything I could to control the situation, and in the end this not only cost me my first close friendship with another guy, it has also cost me numerous friendships since then. And I've noticed it's a repeating pattern with each guy I like that I meet. The pattern kind of goes like this: I meet a guy that I really like, and that I really feel a connection with. Then, because of that strong connection, I start thinking about this person a lot. And I mean A LOT. It's definitely unhealthy. Usually what happens at this point is that my head gets going, and it's usually these thoughts of, "Does he like me? Am I saying the right things? What if I say the wrong things? What if he likes someone more than he likes me? What if this doesn't work out?" I mean, the questions seem to go on forever and ever in my head, and they stay there, until I have myself so worked up, that I've taken a small situation, and blown it completely out of proportion in my head. And then what usually happens is I will go to the person that I like and ask them these questions, and instead of building our friendship up, it tears it down, because underneath the need to control everything, there are several factors at work. The first one I can think of is distrust. The second, insecurity. The third and final one is jealousy. All relationships, I don't care if they are friendships, relationships with family members, relationships with significant others, or relationships with coworkers, are based on one small but important thing that will make the relationship either flourish, or fail. That thing is called TRUST. After my conversation with my friend last night, I realized that is where I am messing up, that these people I really like, I don't trust them. And because I don't rust them, that's where the thoughts come from, and the jealousy, and eventually, the demise of the relationship happens. It is because I don't trust people that I feel the need to control them, and I realized last night that that really is not the foundation of a relationship. Control is not the foundation of a relationship. Having to be in control all the time of a situation or person, shows that you are insecure yourself, and ultimately not giving that person the benefit of the doubt. You tend to pounce all over them for the smallest things, and honestly that is the fastest way to drive someone away. If they get to a point where they feel like they can't breathe, then they are going to end their friendship with you. NO ONE LIKES TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO! This was a real wake up call for me, as there is a person in my life right now that I know I've been doing this to. It took my friend to make me realize it, but it is happening, and it is something I am truly sorry for. I have to stop and think about what comes out of my mouth towards this person before anything is actually said. Is this thought, these words, going to move the relationship in a healthy direction, or an unhealthy one? Am I giving this person the benefit of the doubt? Maybe they really did get in a car accident! Maybe they really were stuck in traffic! None of these thoughts really crossed my mind until last night, and I pray to God that it isn't too late for this person to forgive me and for me to realize that I've messed up and hurt them. But I've also hurt myself in the process. The bottom line, and the thing that I've realized after last night, is that these feelings I get of needing to control someone result from one thing, and one thing only. I don't trust the other person. PERIOD. THE END. It's just that simple. If I trusted the other person, I would be okay with the fact that they got stuck in traffic, I would be okay if I got a text message back from them saying "Hey I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now, can I call you later?" I would be okay with the fact that they didn't call me everyday!!!!!! People have to have lives of their own, and I need to realize that their entire life, does not revolve around me! That is so unhealthy to think that way, and the fastest way to damage a relationship, is to try and control everything, and not trust the other person! So, to this person I have been struggling to develop a friendship with, I am truly sorry for the way that I have treated you. You deserve to be trusted because you are a good guy, and so far you haven't given me a reason not to trust you. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt, but I didn't. To this person, I am asking for you to forgive me. I've messed up, and I've messed up bad. I hope that you can find it in your heart to do so, and I hope that we can continue down the path that we were on when this started. You are an amazing person inside and out, and you don't deserve the hell that I've put you through. I hope to talk to you in the next few days, but I just wanted to get this off my chest. That's all I really have to say at this moment, but I hope to be able to actually tell you this in person soon. Enjoy your time with your mom and her friend. Enjoy your weekend. And when the time is right, hopefully we can talk. At least, I know that's what I want. I really like you, and again I am very sorry for the things that have been going on the last few days. The end.

Thoughts...

I'm sitting in my room right now. It's raining outside, and I'm not too sure what to do with myself. I feel very alone. I hate fighting, and that's exactly what's happened today. I tried to not think about it by getting out of the house and going for a walk, but I got as far as the main road and then turned around. *David and I were supposed to go on a date tonight. I think he forgot about it being this weekend (today) instead of next weekend. So I called him up this afternoon to see if he was still interested in going, and I said something like "Hey David, this is Kyle. I was wondering if you were still planning on going on a date with me tonight. If you aren't that's okay and I'll just assume you aren't interested anymore and this will be the last time you ever hear from me." We hadn't talked to each other in about two days. He called me back right away (I had left a voice mail) and he said that he thought the concert was next weekend instead of this weekend, and said he was sorry and felt really bad. I don't know. The whole conversations that we had seem to be a blur in my head. I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk that I am in. I HATE FIGHTING. I'm not gonna lie, I've slept a good chunk of the day away, but no one is here right now. I hate being alone, and I feel very alone right now. I ended up apologizing to David and asked him if we could talk on the phone tonight. He said that would be fine. Only now I'm not sure I want to call him. I'm scared to honestly. I'm not sure what I want. I know I like David, a lot, but I also know that he has a lot of money, and that intimidates me. Sometimes I feel like if I don't say the right thing, or wear the right clothes, that he's not going to like me. He just doesn't seem like the kind of person to be an asshole about it though. When we went on our date a week ago, it was amazing. Honestly it was one of the best dates I have ever been on. I kind of want to get him something to show him I'm sorry, although I have no idea what. It makes me wonder how our next date is going to go. I feel like things started off so well, and then everything just crumbled. And I'll be honest, I want to do something with him. I don't care if it's going for a walk in the park, looking at the stars, I don't care what it is. But I think he will be busy this whole weekend and won't have time. I can't believe that things were going so well last weekend, and this weekend it's totally different. I hate it so much. Anyways, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I feel a little bit like crying. Who knows, maybe that will help. In any case, I'm going to stop writing now. I don't know that it's helping anyways.