Hey Everyone!
I haven't written a blog post in SO long I have no idea where to begin. Looking over my posts from three years ago, I have grown so much as a person! I was actually reading over one of my old posts, and it made me cry. I have grown and changed so much...and I am so grateful for it. So, time for a bit of an update. Yes, I'm still gay. Yes, I'm still living in SLC. But no, I don't go to Church anymore, and that is by my own choice. Because of all that has happened to me over the past few years, I have decided that I can no longer associate with a Church/religion that has so much hate in their hearts towards people who love their own gender. I didn't leave the Church with feelings of bitterness or anger, although it took me a long while to get there. There was a time in my life when I was extremely angry at the Church, but now I can say that I can leave it behind me and be happy with my decision, and not be angry at the Church. I'm glad. Again, so many changes have happened over the last few years. I am now in school to be a Pharmacy Tech. I'm working through my last quarter of school before I start my externship. I am both excited and nervous. I wish I knew more drugs by heart than I do, but from everyone I have talked to, they say it will come with time.
As far as my love life goes, I finally know what I want! That is a huge step for me. I look back on previous blog posts, and realize how unhealthy some of my relationships were, but I was only 20 at the time and still hadn't figured myself out. Now I have a room mate, I'm finishing school, I've been to Seattle which is a place I've wanted to live for the longest time, and I've found out what healthy relationships are like. I realize in the past that I have settled so much for what I thought was love, because that is what other people told me what love was. They didn't love me. Maybe one of them did, but the other? No way. My relationship with my Dad hasn't improved a lot. My relationship with my step mom has though, as it has also with my mother. My step dad and I just don't talk about the gay issue really, because again he has no concept of what it means to be gay, and frankly I don't think he cares or even wants to understand. Sad if you ask me. My brother moved back to Vermont, oh I would say about a year ago. Supposedly he is going to college and trying to get his crap in order. We'll see. I have my doubts, but he is my brother and so there is a tiny part of me that has hope for him.
I feel kind of akward. I came out at 15 and I'm 25 now, so it's kind of hard for me to relate to people that are my age or that are just coming out. It makes it hard for me in social situations, because I've been through the clubbing, hooking up, trying to figure out what I wanted, etc. etc. and most of my friends that are my age are just going through that now. It makes it hard for me to relate to that because it has been so long since I've dealt with any of that. My family for the most part has either gotten to a place of acceptance about it, or just plain ignores it. I feel always like I am searching for something completely different from everyone else. Most people I know that are my age seem to want just one thing, or are just coming out, and I guess that's something I just don't get anymore. I am so glad I don't have to fight those demons, because I remember what hell it was. I know what I want in a relationship, and I'm not going to settle anymore. Will I find it? Eventually. Does it feel like it's taking forever and I keep running in to the wrong people, that just don't move at the same speed as me or aren't in the same place as me? Yes! And that's the most frustrating thing. I feel at times that I am in a completely different place than my peers. I want to settle down. I want someone I can come home to at the end of the day, and just cuddle with or watch TV, or talk about the rough day I had at work. But it seems like most people I run into are either A.) Not in that same place or B.) Don't want to settle down. It is frustrating as hell. Oh well. I did have a good day today and I am so thankful for the many friends in my life, who I know without I would not be here today. The only thing is I sure wish I could meet someone who is on the same page as me and who I am attracted to. I'm going to stop blogging now. I feel like I've gotten everything off my chest. Happy reading!
Kyle